Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Turns Out, Yes You Can Go Back

The Boys of '77 find the memories still linger.
Part 2 of 2. See Part One here.

Fisk, Stillings, Jesse, Mort, Stormin:
The grail at hand, once again.


A text message lights a screen in Seattle.

"Hey Teasdale, it’s Magee. I'm in the pooper at Vancouver airport. Just ran into Walker. He sees me, cracks up. Just laughing and pointing. I mean I haven’t seen the guy for two years and he starts in on my outfit. Flip-flops, sweats, a week's growth on my face, baggy tee on an international flight, so what? Fuck him. You should see the plaid monkey suit he's got on. He's not gonna be laughing when he can't sleep on that flight. And I guarantee you, his ballsack in those pants... A ten hour flight, man. Ten hours..."

The things that matter when you turn 60. 'Cause, y'know, stuff's g

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Like a Stranger in a Crowd...

June, 2017

Somebody had to put it together. This reunion thing. Someone had to do it. It’s been forty years.

 The scene of the crime.
They shine in our memories, those nine boys, up there on a podium drenched in the late afternoon brilliance of an English countryside in 1977. They’re up there, breaking musty British propriety in their Husky racing shirts because there just was no time for stuffy coats and ties, all grins with their trophy, surprise and joy and triumph and exhaustion etched in their smiles. In those old photos we can even feel the power in their grips as they shake hands with the officials, the officials who can’t believe these young American bucks crossed an ocean to take victory in a race they weren’t expected to win.
Jackman, Sawyer, Parker, Miller, Umlauf, Fisk, Franklin, Hess. Stillings at cox.
Well rowed, gents. Next time bring a coat and tie.

These boys came from nowhere -- "we weren't really that good," Mort said -- to take the Henley Grand Challenge in 1977. It was a Grand Theft really, stealing the hardware from a heavily favored Leander Club to write their names in Husky history. 

Sunday, December 18, 2016

What the hell, Minnesota?

Doc's readers have praised this site's entertainment value. This post provides none.

Doc is just baffled. Where the fuck have we come from, if this is called progress? Was it so goddamn bad in the past? Was it that goddamn bad, that this world of entitled rapists and abusers and fuck-you douchebags can just run rampant and we think this is a better fucking world? How can we even begin to think we're better than we were? 

I'll come back to that. First some news. 

Minnesota Golden Gophers. Fuck sake fellas, come up with a new name. Now you're the Minnesota Turtleheads. Why not? Your football coach has one pokin' out. I'll get back to that too.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

How Rowing Hosed my Life

"You know I'd take a bullet for you, Emfbo. You know that, right?"

That was LoBear, the Big Man, a few months ago. I'd never thought about it that way, but of course it was true. Of course I knew it. And of course it was mutual.

Who wouldn’t take a bullet for this Big Man?

Doctor Frank has put some time into thinking about that ever since. The same question keeps wrapping itself around Doc's brain and it won't let go. Where did this guy come from?

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Breaking News... Live from the Senate

Yeah. Garland is out, this guy is in. God Bless America. 

Washington, DC (Emfbo Press) -- President Barack Obama has withdrawn his nomination of Merrick Garland in favor of dark horse candidate Mark Roe, Prosecuting Attorney of Snohomish County, WA. The president announced today that he chose to take the advice of blogger and political pundit Doctor Frank Emfbo, author of the instant classic Boys in the Boathouse, a rollicking, nonsensical tale that was, of course, not true. None of it happened, insists Doctor Emfbo, which is why it's called a novel.

But we digress. Obama's terse statement revealed his decision.

"I made a mistake, all right? Garland is out. New guy is a former Husky oarsman, still listens to Devo, plays hoops with attorneys on Fridays. He's 56 and still has knees. What's not to like?"

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Dear Mister President...

Hold up a second there, Mister President. 

Doctor Frank and his buddies Al and Raoul have drafted an open letter to President Obama. They have the perfect candidate for Supreme Court, loved by all except the bad guys. You don't get 70% of the vote without support from both sides of the aisle. Just check out that brilliant smile, and the huge brain in that huge head. Read on...

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Story of the Year

That’s some story, for sure. Unprecedented five in a row. Unprecedented nine team trophies in a row. Unprecedented sweep of all five events.

They have pictures on facebook, Husky rowers hanging out with Michael Bennett. Holy Cow.

And Doctor Frank couldn’t be prouder. But damn, I couldn’t help just looking back.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

What About Ernie?

The man could pull his weight.

Doctor Frank is pissed. And embarrassed too. You see, a Husky legend, Bob Ernst, was fired for doing his job. And that Husky legend happened to be the guy who was Doctor Frank's gruntie coach back in 1976 when Ernie was in just his second year coaching at Washington.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Friday, November 27, 2015


Advance praise for
The Boys in the Boathouse

“I laughed, I cried, I soiled myself... Can’t wait for the movie!”          
- Devo