Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Dear Mister President...

Hold up a second there, Mister President. 

Doctor Frank and his buddies Al and Raoul have drafted an open letter to President Obama. They have the perfect candidate for Supreme Court, loved by all except the bad guys. You don't get 70% of the vote without support from both sides of the aisle. Just check out that brilliant smile, and the huge brain in that huge head. Read on...

Dear President Obama,

It's with dire urgency that we write, offering you the most obvious nominee for the opening on the Supreme Court bench. Hold up on the Lynch and Cuellar considerations. This one is easy.

His Honor, Mark Roe, elected Prosecuting Attorney of Snohomish County, WA, is the perfect choice. With the understanding that the citizens and crime victims of his county may need him more than you do, we offer you the following Top Ten reasons to confirm his fitness for the job.


In a politically diverse county, this Democrat enjoys unprecedented bipartisan support. Amazingly, he won election six years ago with nearly 70% of the vote. Nobody even bothered to run against him in the next election. His support by Republicans and Democrats alike speaks to his common sense views... and to the Senate's duty to confirm this great man. This will be a slam dunk for your political legacy.


He is a Husky Crew Alum. He exhibits all the character traits of integrity, dedication, and discipline that Daniel James Brown detailed so clearly in his bestseller, The Boys in the Boat. Or was it in the Doctor Frank classic, The Boys in the Boathouse? One of those.


He once beat The Goog in a six-minute ergometer test, with Dik Erickson blowing pipe smoke in his face and screaming in his ear. You don't know The Goog, so you don't realize what an impossible task this was. Maybe like Bernie coming outta nowhere and winning the election. Or Sarah Palin stringing a cogent sentence together.


He gladly continues to serve the citizens of Snohomish County, but he sees the potential to Make America Great Again in this pivotal spot on the SCOTUS. He won't be just another liberal voice, he'll be a liberal voice with a tank top, shorts, and flip flops under that black robe. Or a pair of Air Jordans. Dude still has a rippin’ game at age 56.


He's already bald, but he's still younger and way better looking than anyone on the bench. Just check out that smile. Automatic respect.


He's a badass. He invented that "BMF" wallet Samuel L Jackson carried in Pulp Fiction. Criminals in his county know they better not get caught. He's known in the local prison system as the Rapeslayer.


Judicious use of the infamous Roe cattle prod could actually get Clarence Thomas to speak.


You have here a man brave enough to spurn the everyday term and call the bench SCROTUS. Just because it sounds cool. And in the American tradition of blind justice letting the righteous chips fall where they will, this man won’t give a damn what anyone thinks about it. 

To even the casual observer, the profile of Justice Roe’s nose is clearly that of an American Eagle. What more perfect symbol of truth and justice could you appoint to the bench?

...and the Number One reason to appoint Prosecutor Roe...

He's promised to sit next to Ginsburg and convince her to quit wearing that ugly doily thing.

With gratitude for your consideration,

Raoul, Al, and Frank

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