Yeah. Garland is out, this guy is in. God Bless America.
Washington, DC (Emfbo Press) -- President Barack Obama has withdrawn his nomination of Merrick Garland in favor of dark horse candidate Mark Roe, Prosecuting Attorney of Snohomish County, WA. The president announced today that he chose to take the advice of blogger and political pundit Doctor Frank Emfbo, author of the instant classic Boys in the Boathouse, a rollicking, nonsensical tale that was, of course, not true. None of it happened, insists Doctor Emfbo, which is why it's called a novel.
But we digress. Obama's terse statement revealed his decision.
"I made a mistake, all right? Garland is out. New guy is a former Husky oarsman, still listens to Devo, plays hoops with attorneys on Fridays. He's 56 and still has knees. What's not to like?"
Judge Garland readily accepted the change in status. "It was gonna be a long haul in there," he said today, relief on his face as he left the offices of Mitch McConnell, where he'd patiently warmed the same chair all day, every day since his nomination, waiting for a get-to-know-ya that never happened. "Let someone else take the heat from the Judiciary Committee. I mean, first, you gotta get that jowly chinless fucker's attention," he continued, jerking his thumb behind him at McConnell's door, "then it's weeks in purgatory trying to remember what twenty brainless fucks are droning on about as they look down at you from those high chairs they get to sit in. With all their staff and hot interns whispering and passing notes like you're supposed to believe it's about the hearing. You know it's about who just farted, not what to ask you next."
See? No chin. Just jowls, a face and a suit."Can you imagine looking up at Ted Cruz for ten hours, listening to that shit? Sure, he can hide the horns and the pointy tail, stash the pitchfork back at the office. But you know damn well he can't hide those little cloven goat hooves all day. Eventually they're gonna stick out under the curtain.
"Franken? Nice guy. But if he ever asked a question I'd be like, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.
"And Hatch. Guy from Utah starts asking me about the sanctity of marriage, and he might not want to open that can o' worms. There's a big fucking snake inside."
While Garland lit out of the Capitol building like he had a Dik Erickson custom Indian skyrocket up his ass, life in that jowly chinless fucker's office up the hall had suddenly turned brighter. A solid wall of press passes and microphones filled McConnell's waiting room, where he announced his change of heart about the new SCOTUS nominee.
"Weeeellllll, I do not believe we need to be so rough on our president over a little thing like this," drawled the Senator from Kentucky. "'Course, this man Roe is a fine ginnelman. Took ninety percent of the vote in his county, Republican, Democrat, everybody loves him except the bad guys, and they hate him, and that's exactly the kind of man we need. I called Barry at the Oval Office myself and told him not to worry about flowery public announcements, meetings, negotiations, nothing to hold it up. We got us a Judiciary hearing starting in about, uh, oh shit! Right now! You people better get over there!"
So we bring you now, live, to the hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee, where Mark Roe is facing a hastily-prepared onslaught of questions. There seem to be a few new faces at the table...
Sen. Grassley, R-IA, Chair: "...as I was saying, Mr. Roe, we have some work to do here. Let's get after it. First question."
Sen. Giuliani, R-WA: "Roe, uh..."
Judge Roe: "Hey Goog! What're you doing here? Patty Murray choke on her veal?"
Giuliani: "How'd you know? Never mind. So it says right here in your official approved bio that you once beat me on the erg. Says right here. My recollection, Sir, is that it was close. Close but you died in the last thirty seconds and I beat you by fifty points. Can you explain?"
Roe [pause]: "You're old?"
Giuliani: "That's true, but..."
Roe: "Well there ya go. Besides, like ya said. Says right there. It's official. Next question?"
Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah: "Good morning, Judge Roe. You appear to be in a costume of some kind. What is with the hat? And the matching purple jacket?"
Roe: "I hope the questions get harder. It's cold outside. This jacket kept Dik Erickson warm when it was twenty degrees and blowing like a bitch on the lake. And Dik beat the Soviets, right in the middle of the Cold War. Pow. And the hat? This was Dik's too. I wear it in court. They call me Rapeslayer."
Roe's outfit, as worn by Dik Erickson. Nice. Stylish.
Grassley: "It's what's under the hat that matters here. Next."
Sen. Raoul Garcia, D-Mexico: "Buenos Dias, Señor Roe. Can you tell me please..."
Roe: "Excuse me, Senator, how did Mexico get a seat in the US Senate?"
Garcia: [sighs, looks at name tag] "Ah, puta madre! Si, I am Raoul el Grande Garcia, famous Mexican cliff diver. But I am an immigrant. Legal immigrant. Elected to this great office by the citizens of my adopted home state of New Mexico. Yet my colleague Senator Cruz, R-Cuba, cannot stop teasing and ratfucking me and changing my name tag. Senator Cruz is jealous because he no habla Espanol."
Sen. Rafael Eduardo Cruz, R-TX: "Hey wait a second..."
Grassley: "Order!" [pounds gavel]
Roe: "Yeah, Senator Grassley, that's how ya do it. Maybe you oughtta be the judge."
Grassley: "Oh for God's sake, Raoul, ask the question."
Garcia: "Thank you. Señor Roe, please tell us your thoughts on illegal immigrants. Our great nation is under constant pressure from people wanting to come here, and even greater pressure from people wanting to keep them out. How would the constitution allow a balance? What beliefs would you impose on your fellow citizens with your decisions?"
Roe: "Simple. That last part... about beliefs... that's why they call it the bench. You guys in the Senate are the first string. First boat varsity policy makers. We over there on the SCROTUS, hehe, did you catch that? We're strictly riding the pine over there, waiting for you to screw it up so we can set it straight. Like, I bet the citizens of this continent wished there was a Supreme Court here when that first illegal immigrant showed up from Spain 500 years ago, right? So the day we start kicking people out, let's just go back and start judging all our ancestors."
Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-SC: "Judge, that is not going to play well with the Republicans..."
Roe: [flipping pages frantically] "Senator, I can't find the part where it says I'm supposed to give a shit about that..."
Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA: "And that's why we love you!"
Grassley: "Oh God Dammit. Recess!"
Just to review the first few minutes of Judge Roe's hearing, Day One, we got a dead senator joke, an age joke, a fashion statement, a solid ratfuck, motherfucker in Spanish, a sports metaphor explaining the damn constitution, a charming new acronym, a history lesson, and some all star sarcasm. The guy is a charmer, no doubt about it.
Now as we come back from a quick break, we have more shuffling behind the twenty-seat head table. Senator Cruz appears to have brought a replacement. Cruz is standing behind him now, putting on a coat...
Grassley: "Let's call this back to order. Senator, what is this all about? Does that thing move? Does it talk? It looks like a wax model."
Cruz: "Mister Chairman, may I introduce to you, my colleague from our great state, the Yellow Rose of Pittsburg, TX, Tea Party darling and scourge of terror babies, US Representative Louie Gohmert. I gotta go. Louie can cover for me. Got a meeting with Falwell. I just don't get how he endorses Trump..."
Graham: "I get it. Everyone here hates you, Eduardo."
[Raucous laughter fills the chamber. Cruz looks like he might cry.]
Grassley: "'Bye, Ted. OK, Rep. Gohmert, you're up. It was Ted's turn. Shoot."
Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-TX: "Muz..."
Roe: "I bet you wanna talk about Islamist Terror Babies, Jihadists disguised as Latinos, maybe your trip to Egypt? Muslim Watch patrols?"
Gohmert: "Yeah, like I started to say..."
Roe: "Or what about the gays, Congressman? Boy Scouts and pedophilia? Bungholes in foxholes? Gay sex, dead sex, animal sex? If it's on your mind, how 'bout it? Let's do the whole thing!"
Gohmert: "You had me at "Islamist," Judge. I believe we're on the same page here. You know, these jihadis, they come over here, they find their baby mamas, our women, our white American women, they charm the hell out of these girls, get 'em pregnant, maybe five, six at a time, like a harem, then nine months later they have a half dozen little anchor babies with birth certificates, passports, social security cards, the whole thing. They scoop these babies up, leave the women high and dry, and take the little ones back home to, y'know, Yemen, Iraq, Mogadishu. And the plan is, in twenty years, they come back. They get in our country no problem. They're citizens! And they're highly trained by then on how to kill as many of us as they can. They'll start with the churches, the good, bible believing people, and work out from there. Pretty soon... We'll all be Muslims, or we'll be dead. It's already in progress. We probably got, what, fifteen years to stop it."
Grassley: [Raises gavel]
Graham: [Sitting beside him, grabs Grassley's wrist and whispers] "Wait a second. He's on a roll."
Gohmert: "...And I wanna know, when the liberals with their bleeding hearts think it's just not fayeerrr and they bring it all the way to your courtroom, Judge, can we count on you to be a good American and stand on the side of the Christian Right to kill all these kids wherever they are today?"
Roe: "Do you have proof?"
Roe: "Proof. Don't bring your crap all up in my courtroom on a fairytale. I want proof if I'm going to hear a case."
Gohmert: "Are you questioning me? Are you even an American? Don't you know good Christian men and women are dying every day at the hands of these louts? Why, Jesus Christ himself is coming back soon, and he'll be packing some serious heat!"
Roe: "Then why don't we just wait for him to sort it out?"
Gohmert: "Like he's sorting out the gays? The necrophiles? The vegetarian, gun control queers? That what you want, Judge? You want the government telling you when to get vaccinated? Making your kids gay? Hate crime laws taking away our religious freedom to hate whomever we want? The UN's population control and Obamacare just keeping us all dumb, happy, and childless? Here's a hate crime for ya..."
[Gohmert rises, face goes dark, raises his arms as thunder shakes the Capitol walls. Shrieks come from the gallery]
Roe [standing]: "Did you bring your flying monkeys?"
[Roe grabs a water pitcher, dumps it on Gohmert, calmly sits down.]
Gohmert: "I'm melting!"
[Gallery and full Judiciary panel erupt in applause]
Grassley: "I doubt this chamber has ever seen anything like that. I realize it's been less than an hour of hearing, but I will entertain a motion to recommend to the full Senate that Judge Roe's nomination be approved."
Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-AL: "So moved!"
Sen. Charles Schumer, D-NY: "Hey, I never got to..."
Grassley: "Can it, Chuck. All in favor?"
Grassley: "Motion carries. Session adjourned. Anybody else need a shooter? Christ, it's five o'clock somewhere..."
So in record time, a dynamite interrogation with a ton of fireworks and a unanimous approval. The only losers here are Louie Gohmert and the good citizens of Snohomish County, who will soon watch a fine public servant move off to the Beltway to serve out his years on the Court.
Judge Roe, congratulations! Why are you still hanging around?
"Think I'll wait for Cruz to come back. He's gonna need to clean up that mess on his chair."